Not me

Not me,

I can’t do that,

My own subliminal mantra,

But something changed,

The end of a marriage,

The loss of my father,

The loss of my mother,

The realisation that there is no other,

It was time for a change.

Not me,

I wasn’t going to take it sitting down,

Wasn’t going to drown,

My sorrows like before,

This was it,

My chance to even up the score,

I took it,

Made a decision,

Bold and true,

I chose me over you,

I wasn’t going to take it anymore.

Not me,

I didn’t think anything about that first moment,

I just decided,

No more,

No more excuses,

No more pretending,

No more tomorrow,

Today was the day,

Is the day,

And is always the day,

Now is now,

And I made my choice.

Not me,

Not how I was,

But more how I knew I should be,

I challenged myself,

The more they said I couldn’t, I shouldn’t,

I wouldn’t… give up,

I went out alone and made it happen,

I did it,

I made it,

I lived it,

I live it.  

Not me,

A better version of me,

A higher version of me,

Me and then some,

The light came on and I saw it all,

How it should be,

No restriction of my liberty,

No contradiction of me,

My mind and me,

Together and better,

Fighting my way out from under this misery,

Like a sodden eiderdown,

Slapped around my soul,

Smothering my life out,

Like a dying flame,

But no.

Not Me,

I am choosing the me I know is me,

Not the one they expected me to be,

Goodbye and good luck,

I am lost and found in one,

Like a lost dog with a new home,

I was never really alone,

I had me in my corner and I was the best,

I never knew it,

I almost blew it but now,

Now I am free,

Nothing in my way,

The air is like sweet Honeysuckle,

The light like a wet dream,

With every new day that hugs me and kisses me like the love of my life,

The one I haven’t met… Yet,

The simple moments that make up now,

Making me smile deeply like I am sublimely happy somehow,

And I am,

Not questioning,

But becoming, and doggedly, determinedly dreaming my own dream,

With my own beat drumming.

Not me.